Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
