i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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