I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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