You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Someone came in the potted fern
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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