I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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