I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
