The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
