Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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