Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
