You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
