My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize