Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
