yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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