If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
