You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
