what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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