Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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