well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
