When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
