Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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