Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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