so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize