Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
