Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
