the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
4 words: hood of his car
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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