i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
