drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
