The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
