I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
