i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
