Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
