Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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