i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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