The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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