I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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