Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He passed out mid-signature
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
