why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
