Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
