I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize