For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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