You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
