The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
