May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Randomize
