Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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