there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Randomize
