Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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