i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize
