Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
