i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
