Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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