question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
this is an emotional support booty call
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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