just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
