nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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