You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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