the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
