Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
