just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
