He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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