So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
someone owes me an orgasm
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
