We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
