Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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