sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
