I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
