Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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