A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
