So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize