she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
