you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
