If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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