During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
