The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
