first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
