I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
